I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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