I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
