dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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