I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
