Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
