I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
