if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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