chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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