Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
