I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
