fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
