We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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