quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
