I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
