i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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