Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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