Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
