cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
