My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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