it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize