i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
