....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
