Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
