My brain says no but my pants say off.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
