It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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