Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
