thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
