I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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