I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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