Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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