The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
