I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize