All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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