You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
