my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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