I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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