Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
