I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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