apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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