please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
the liver wants what the liver wants
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize