after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
