I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
