I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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