New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
