im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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