WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
