My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
