I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Life is so much better after having sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
