Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
