I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
