my phone needs a breathalizer
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
