We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
