I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
