he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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