If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
