I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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