Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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