This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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