summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize