yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
