he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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