I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I need to align my fucking chakras
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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